The Homeless Guy

My mom has volunteered to man the prayer chapel and its Christmas Eve. The chapel is supposed to be available all night and they just needed someone to be there. So she volunteers and I offer to keep her company. So we visit for awhile but when it becomes apparent that no one is going to show up she decides to get some sleep. So she heads to a cot in the corner and I take the couch with our dog Buttercup. Throughout the night I have noticed a homeless guy watching through the windows so I ask my mom if it’s safe to go to sleep with him out there. “Oh yeah. It’s fine. He can’t get in.” She says. So we both nod off before too long. Well soon after falling asleep I am awaken to a sound and I jump up thinking that the homeless guy got in! Soon I realize that he didn’t and my yell woke my mom. “He can’t get in Darin, go back to sleep” she says. So I do but then I dream about a boy named John who is in the hospital and I am a volunteer helping the nurses out. He’s got some kind of eye injury and so I help take care of him. But all of the sudden I am awaken by a sound again! So I again jump up and yell thinking the homeless guy is inside. But instead I notice a young couple praying in the front pew. “Oh, I’m sorry” I explain. “No problem at all” they answer. He goes on to explain that he is a doctor and just got off the 3am shift and wanted to share a Christmas Eve service with his wife since he had to work earlier. They go on to explain that their son John is in the hospital with an eye injury. “Oh don’t worry” I say. “I was there earlier and he’s doing fine.” “What?” They answer. “How could you have been? He’s in Iraq.” Just then I realize that they got in somehow and so the homeless guy must have as well! I look over at my mom and behind her in the shadows is the homeless man approaching her!!!

Obama Interrupts To Ask For Money

I am supposed to be meeting someone in the main office at my church to record a voice over for a video I am working on. But as I am setting up I start having a lot of trouble with the software I am using to record. Mrs. Mott is waiting patiently to record her narration. As I continue messing with it Barack Obama walks in! He tells me that my church has agreed to give him a $40,000 donation! This puzzles me and I wonder if that is even legal given our tax exempt status. But hey, he seems like a nice guy so I begin the transfer.

He goes on to explain that this was a mutual fund he went in on with my church and they are splitting the profits. So I begin the transfer but after about $20,000 is transferred the transfer fails. I am about to start it over when I realize that I should probably check with our accountant as I am overstepping my bounds here as a mere former employee in the tech dept. So I apologize to both Obama and Mrs. Mott and I step into the hall to use my cell to call our accountant Kevin. It takes awhile to reach him and I try his home, work and cell. Finally I reach him and I hear country music playing in the background. So I tell him what happened and I ask him if I can go ahead with the transfer. “No.” Is his response. “Oh.. ok.. um.. yeah just thought I would check… I will tell Obama.” I reply.

So I head back to the office to break the news. About then I see Brian Wells and his brother making the rounds talking to people. “Brian’s in town?!” But I don’t have time to stop as much as I want to! So I keep heading back to the office and I find that Obama has his Blackberry, laptop and various papers strewn about as he makes various calls seeking financial contributions. Meanwhile Mrs. Mott is asleep in the corner. So I tell Obama the news, we can’t do the transfer. He quickly begins gathering his things and says “Well Mr. Dunn that is very disappointing.” He gets up and leaves. “Was that a scam? “ I wonder. So I go over to wake up Mrs. Mott to begin the recording.

Buttercup and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skulls

My older brother Trey and I are hanging out at my parents house because I’ve just gotten home from Thailand. He’s got our awesome family dog Buttercup in his lap. I really want to hold Buttercup but I feel bad asking him so I don’t. He’s on one couch and I’m on the other and we are watching TV. He’s flipping around the channels and he passes “Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull!”

“Trey! Go back! That was the new Indiana Jones movie which isn’t even out yet! How did you get that channel?!?” I yell excitedly.
“I’m not sure, I was just flipping around.” He replies.

So he keeps flipping but he can’t find it! So he tosses me the remote to see if I can find it. So I start flipping but all I’m getting are Thai TV shows! GRRR! So I give up and we just watch a Thai soap opera.

After a few mins he sighs and says “Well this stinks. You want the dog?”

“Yes!” I proclaim! And he hands me Buttercup.

The Democrats are coming to Bangkok!

The Democrats are coming to Bangkok and I have been chosen to give them the tour! I'm not sure why they are here but it's for some sort of publicity tour. After they arrive we take them down to the river for a boat tour of the Bangkok canals. They each have their own entourages so we split up into two boats. Obama and Hillary are in my boat and in the other boat are the press and John Edwards. Well we ride through the canals and arrive at the famous snake farm. As we pull up to the dock we see a hoard of press who have gathered on the bank. As the tour guide I am told that I need to make a statement. So I dismount and approach the microphones and cameras. I clear my throat and prepare to deliver the joke I have been planning in my head. "Ladies and gentlemen, I had a nice boat ride over here with Mr. Obama and Mrs. Clinton. We had a chance to talk about the current presidential race and let me tell you, I'm pretty sure Mr. Obama is still 'undecided.'" The media laughs and I finish up. "Thank you all very much, that's all for now." So I begin leading the group into the Snake Farm. And that's when I realize my error! Oh no, I was suppossed to say that John Edwards was undecided, not Obama! Why would Obama be undecided? He's leading the race! The joke was suppossed to be that Edwards is the candidate in distant third place so the main two candidates are vying for his support. But I blew the punchline! Not only that but for the joke to work I would have had to be on Edwards boat! As I play back my press conference in my head I realize how foolish I must have looked!

You can’t keep a good Double O agent down!

Three double O agents are stealthily trying to enter a room. Myself, the black guy from Casino Royal and Jessica Biel. We enter the room under the cover of darkness but suddenly the lights come on and we are surrounded by enemy agents!! We begin flipping, spinning and diving around the room firing at them with our hand guns while they unload their fully automatic machine guns! When the smoke clears all three agents are alive and well and the bodies of the fallen enemy agents blink and disappear (like in old video games.) We have successfully cleared the room. Just then TV’s Steven Weber emerges from behind a box doing the slow clap thing. “Congratulations, you have just emptied your magazines on 30 heavily armed…. Holograms!” Just then the door opens behind us and the real 30 armed agents enter the room wearing full swat gear. We drop our empty side arms in defeat as Weber laughs in a self congratulatory way. The other agents and I slowly make eye contact and blink in agreement. “Now!” we yell as we engage the enemy in hand to hand combat. They didn’t count on the fact that their large numbers and this cramped room renders their weapons useless.

Snake Breeding?!?

I’m over at the Overholt’s house at their 4 new puppies are running around with a Cobra in their midst! “What?!? Why is there a snake in there with the puppies?!?” I ask. “It’s ok!” I’m told. “We are trying to get to them breed with the snake because we want a pet mongoose!”

Snake Bite!

I’m in Bang Sak with Trevor and Kory and we decide to go to Khoa Lak. So we start heading that way but we keep stopping at various places that have accumulated water to swim. Drainage ditches, rivers, ponds, etc.. Just before arriving in Khao Lak we see a row of brand new houses. “Wow, those are new!” we note. About that time we notice a ditch with some water in it that has a layer of moss on the surface. For some reason we all jump in even as we are saying to each other how unsafe it is and how there might be snakes. Just then a snake jumps out and bites me on the neck and face! Instantly I can’t breath very well so I ask the guys to go get some help. Pretty soon a man walks up calmly with his wife and starts putting some sort of medicine on my face and neck. At this point I realize that I can breathe normally again. “Me Pen Ha Mai?” I ask. He responds to tell me, no, I’ll be ok, it won’t be a problem. So I get up and follow him back to his shop to say thank you. A European man is apparently working there and he just hands me three receipts! The first two are for 481.50 baht each and the third one is for 37 baht totaling 1000 baht! So then I look up and realize that his shop is called “Snake Rescue!” So I try to talk to the European but he does not understand English! He keeps trying to explain something using a toy snake. Frustrated I walk past him to the thai man and I ask him “Ani pen allay khrup?” (what is this for?) and he responds “Ani pen yaa, leew ani pen service charge” (this is for the medicine and this is the service charge.) “And the third one?” I ask. He points to a picture on the receipt that shows a man building a fire. “But you didn’t even build a fire!” I argue. So he excuses the 37 baht charge. So I pay and Trevor asks “wanna go to a hospital?” To which I respond “Nah, lets go see a movie!”

Explanation: After writing this out I can identify several different real life situations I have encountered that apparently my brain has morphed into one event. My dealings with the European in this story are similar to a restaurant we visited in Khao Lak over Christmas, The Happy Lagoon. A European man works there for some reason and he is never any help! My dealings with the Thai man and the confusion with the receipts appear to come from a situation that occurred when I put my car in the shop recently. A $15 oil change visit turned into $240 in repairs and then I found out later he never got around to actually changing the oil! And finally, my swim with the snakes probably comes from many treks into the jungle with Trevor and Kory to find abandoned resorts, island lookout points, vines for climbing rocks, etc.. The brain is a funny thing.