I'm this weeks guest on Saturday Night Live!

I'm this weeks guest on Saturday Night Live!
I'm all excited about being on the show and I've been telling everyone to watch! Before I know it it's Saturday and we're going live! I take the stage for the opening skit but after my fellow actors start saying their lines I realize that I never got around to looking at a script! So I just start winging it by coming up with my own funny lines on the spot. I'm pretty pleased with myself at this point because I appear to be flowing quite well with the sketch because no one seems disrupted by my performance and everyone in the audience is laughing. Then all of the sudden the skit takes a turn and begins getting pretty filthy. Before I know it I am in the middle of this filthy sketch on live TV being broadcast all over the country! So the show ends and I have to call everyone I know to apologize. My career is over because my fan base is in the Christian market and no one wants to work with me anymore.

The USAA Terrorism Drill Starring Garth Brooks

It’s 5:00pm at USAA the largest bank and insurance company in San Antonio. Being 5pm the nearly 20,000 employees have gone home for the day. I’ve still got a lot of work to do so I continue working. Now it’s nearly 6:30pm and although the cubicles are largely empty about 20 or so employees in my area can be heard pecking away at their keyboards. Then all of the sudden a loud boom was heard followed by smoke. Suddenly the 20 or so remaining employees are popping up in their cubicles like prairie dogs trying to see what the commotion is. Just then, through the smoke, comes the boss and a few people from middle management. They have removed their neck ties and tied them around their foreheads and arms (they are still wearing their suits.) “Listen up!” they yell “this is a terrorism drill! You’ve just been infiltrated! Form one group now! Everyone to the conference room!” The employees slowly comply.. “Oh come on!” The employees grumble to each other. “Why do this at 6:30pm? Are they trying to punish those of us who stayed late to get more work done? Sheesh” Sensing that morale is low the bosses announce that they have a special treat for us since we’ve been “good prisoners.” Just then Garth Brooks and his band come out and begin to play a song I’ve never heard before. “Is this a new one? Does he have a new album coming out? Maybe it’s off the Lost Sessions? And why is Ty England still in the band? I thought he got a new record deal?” we discuss among ourselves. When Garth finishes the song the bosses announce that the drill is over. Garth and the band start breaking down their equipment so I approach them. “Hey Garth, good song. But did you come all this way to play one song for twenty people?” I ask. “Yeah. We were told this would be a bigger crowd.” He replies coldly. So I ask another question. “Is that song going to be on a new album?” But Garth does not reply, just continues to pack up his gear. So I attempt to ask again “Did you hear my question?” “Yes!” he replies “I heard you.” And then he just continues to pack his gear without answering. Hmm, Garth is kind of a jerk I think to myself as I head back to my cubicle.