The Big Tomato Peeler

By Special Guest, Kathryn Boyd

I was at the store for the sole purpose of getting my tomato peeled. However, as I passed the cash register on my way to the peeler my tomato suddenly began to grow in size! Within moments it went from being a normal sized tomato to being about three feet in diameter! The peeler, upon seeing that my tomato had grown so large, calmly provided a pair of large prongs to hold the tomato while the cashier operated a crank to turn the prong which turned the tomato. The peeler remained stationary as the tomato spun around it peeled.

(thanks Kathryn!)

Osama and the Janitor

I had been working nights as a janitor in this small three story building. I didn’t know what it was used for during the day. I just came at night and cleaned. So, imagine my surprise when I turned the corner one night, mop in hand, and there I stood face to face with Osama Bin Laden and his 2nd Lieutenant. The number 1 and number 2 guys in Al Queda were right in front of me! Osama smiled when he saw me and said
“Hello my brother! Soon our plan will come to fruition! The Americans downstairs can do nothing to stop us!”
What? I’m not his brother! Well, maybe it would be smart to play along for now. So I smiled and slipped over to the staircase to see what he was talking about. I went down one flight of stairs and peeked around the corner. Wow! 3 rows of American military watching TV screens, computer monitors and listening to head phones. They have the entire upstairs under surveillance! Oh no! Their going to think I’m with Osama! Why aren’t they doing anything to stop the attack?

Stephen Spielberg and The Spit Wad

High upon the 54th floor of the hotel Stephen Spielberg was in fine form entertaining his friends. He had a drink in his hands as a story flowed from his mouth.
“So that young man, now mind you this was thirty years ago and we were both nothing in this business, but that young man said to me, Stevie… you’re going to make it. I know it. And that young man, well… you might know his as… Chuck.” He finished, in dramatic tones.
“Chuck!” “Oh, ha ha. Chuck.” Exclaimed his friends trying to act surprised and entertained even though they had heard this story a hundred times. His “friends” were actually his staff. Stephen knew he didn’t have any friends, but he liked to think that they enjoyed his story anyway. They didn’t.

Meanwhile 54 floors below in the lobby of the hotel Darin was being taken to task by the hotels owner and operator.
“Mr. Dunn. Do you realize the seriousness of this offense?” He sternly chided.
Of course Darin did but he was trying to suppress his giggles. Launching spit wads into Sarah’s hair was something Darin had been doing since high school but on the other hand, this was Singapore and Darin knew he needed to respect their customs.
“Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…”
“MR DUNN! The time for apologies has long passed!” Came the hotel owners interrupting reply. Darin knew how to get out of this, although he hated to play this card, he knew it was time.
“Sir.” He started in a respectful manner. “A friend of mine named Chuck once said….”
“Chuck?! You know Chuck?” The owner replied somewhat embarrassed.
“Why yes, yes I do. He’s a good friend.” Said Darin with a grin on his face.
“Well then. I suppose your offense can be forgiven…. this time.” Replied the owner.

The Hotel Owner Operator Returns

(I kid you not. I had this dream the same night!)

Darin knew that he needed to remember the dream he had. It was too funny to forget. So he grabbed a piece of chalk from the hotel counter and began to write on the wall:

“Mr. Dunn. Do you realize the seriousness of this offense?” The hotel owner sternly chided.”

At that moment Darin heard a throat clearing about 5 feet behind him. As he turned around the hotels owner was looking him right in the eyes, and he was not amused.

The Beach Attack!

It was a beautiful day to be at the beach. Some of us were in the shallow surf and others were relaxing in the sand when suddenly that peaceful day came to an abrupt end. Without any warning 5 creatures came out of the sea with dread lock like tentacles squirming around on top of their heads. They were an eerie mixture of beige and green which allowed them to perfectly blend with their surroundings. Before any of us really knew what was going on we were whisked away. The creatures grabbed us in twos and tucked us under their arms as they quickly returned to the ocean. The entire attack took maybe 6 seconds when suddenly we found ourselves underwater holding our breaths. Down, down, down we went until we reached the Ocean floor some 100 feet below the surface. The panic we felt immediately subsided when we were thrust into chambers containing oxygen. We were once again standing on dry ground, breathing air. The creatures quickly left, leaving us all alone. It didn’t take me but a moment to realize that these were not chambers at all but merely air bubbles. I slipped out of the bubble and found my self deep below the ocean surface. I was free, but I knew that I could never reach the surface without an air tank. I returned to the bubble to inform the group of our predicament.

The Cable Car Production Company

The moral at work had been low, as usual. It was hard to keep a good attitude when your company was facing inevitable layoffs. I have been the manager here since the good ole days but it just seemed that cable cars were no longer as popular as they once were. That being the case it was not a good time own a company that’s sole purpose was cable car production for the San Antonio area. I try to keep their spirits up by making funny comments like “Come on people! Together we can be San Antonio’s number 1 cable car producer!” or “Do you guys even want to be San Antonio’s premier cable car manufacturer?” These comments usually brought a smile or even a chuckle to the faces in the crowd…. But everyone knew that layoffs were inevitable.

Intro - Explanation

Several times a week I wake up laughing at the dreams that I have. Some of them are very bizarre and often humorous. So I came up with idea of writing them down to share with whoever cared to read.

These stories have not been embellished. I have written them down exactly as they occurred.

Enjoy!