Taco Bell Comes To Thailand?

I’m in Bang Sak and Marcus is getting ready to put on a movie. “Hold on guys, I’m going to run and get something to snack on” I announce. Marcus offers me a motorbike but I insist on taking my skateboard. So I head off down the highway on my skate board. I keep going past Ban Niang and even Khao Lak because I can’t find anything that I want to eat. Eventually I am going up over the hill and I come down near the elephant camp on the backside of the mountain. As I come down I see a huge, American Style shopping center that has gone up over night. They have a “Logans”, “McDonalds”, “Old Navy”, everything you can think of. So I driving around in there a bit and Ada pulls up next to me with Ben in the grey car. She stops to chat for a few moments and before you know it Ben is gone. “Ben!! Where did you go?” Ben pokes his head out of the second story window and waves. “You have 5 seconds to get down here!” Ada warns before beginning her count. “One, Two, Two and a half, Three…” Ben runs up out of breath. “What were you doing? That’s not your house!” She tells him. So they say goodbye and head back to Bang Sak. So I start skating through this shopping center when all of the sudden I loose my skateboard! It goes flying down the street towards this pregnant lady as her husband is helping her across the street. She can barely walk and as I look at the moo moo she is wearing I can’t determine whether she actually has any legs. She stands at about three feet tall and the rest of her proportions seem correct, just no legs. At about this time the skateboard nails her in the back. Her husband is understandably furious. As I run up to retrieve the board he starts yelling at me. I start apologizing as best I can in Thai. At that point he stops me and says “I’m Singaporean!” So he continues chewing me out telling me that I should use the wheel lock when I’m not using the skateboard to keep it from flying off, etc.. Just then I see something magical and amazing over his left shoulder! A Taco Bell Sign! What?!? Taco Bell has come to Thailand!! Woo Hoo! So I grab my board and rush over there. As I dash inside I see a dining room empty except for three thais sharing a corner booth. I run to the counter to buy them out. Man, I can just imagine the faces of the folks back in Bang Sak when I walk in with Taco Bell! So I start to order and he tells me that they are closed already. What? “When do you close?” I ask. “9:00pm” he replies. I look at my watch and it’s only 9:04pm! Oh come on! “What time do you open” I ask. He responds by saying “Sip mong yen.” Which means 10th hour of the evening. What? It only goes up to 6. “Array na Khrup Sip Mong Yen Chai Mai?” I verify. “Chay” he confirms. Crud. That does not make any sense. How am I ever going to get any Tacos if I don’t know what time they open. I don’t want to reveal that I don’t understand his Thai so I just say thank you and walk out. When I get back outside the man and his pregnant wife are there. He says that he wants me to have his police scanner and CB radio. Uh, ok. So I say thank you and I take it. About that time Dean pulls up in the white car and unloads a lazy boy recliner. “Can you take this back to Bang Sak for me?“ So I take the chair and begin dragging it along. A little further down the highway Marcus, Bum and some other American’s pull up on various motorbikes. “There you are!” Marcus says “What happened to you? I thought you were going to grab some food. Why do you have a police scanner, CB radio and a recliner?” “It’s a long story” I reply “but I found a Taco Bell!” “WHAT?!?” everyone yells at once. So I begin to tell them about the location and about how they were closed. “There were people eating in the dinning room? You could see and smell the food but they were closed? Brutal!” Marcus exclaims “I know!” I respond. So we start to head back to Khao lak. One of the Americans, Ronnie from The Shield, helps me with the chair. “Where did you get the police scanner and the radio?” he asks. So I explain. Then I get an idea to put the chair on the skateboard. “Ronnie tilt the chair back so I can get the skateboard under it” I explain. But he does not get it and he just tilts it the wrong way. “No tilt it back!” wrong again. This goes on for awhile before he finally understands. Eventually we get the chair on the skateboard and we all head back home, without our Taco Bell.

A Dream Within a Dream...Within A Dream

I’m supposed to be running sound at church but I overslept! So I get up and begin to get ready. I’m trying to take a shower but the faucet breaks! So I get some tools and fix the faucet but then I can’t find any shampoo! So I look all over and finally find some. Then I am finally ready so I go outside and my car is gone! Where did I leave it? About that time I wake up and realize that it is all a dream! So I go to take a shower but the faucet breaks! So I get some tools and fix the faucet.. You get the idea. This goes around about 4 times and then I wake up for real and realize that it is time to get ready for church, but I’m not late.

The Backwards Flying Taxi Plane

As we’re standing in the parking lot of Cross Roads Mall a 20 seat executive jet comes into the picture flying backwards. As we stare at this strange site, to our amazement, it lands in the parking lot! Several people shuffle off and some people get on. There are a group of Thai tourists standing there apparently trying to figure out if this is their plane. So I step in to translate. “Pai nai?” I ask. “Pai Wurzbach khrup.” They respond. So I ask the pilot. “Excuse me, are you going to Wurzbach and I-10?” To which he replies, “yes! I don’t have time for this, either get on or move out of the doorway!” Geez. Why is he so agitated? “Gi Chuamong?” The Thais ask me. So I ask the driver “how long will the trip take?” “15 mins!” he yells. Hmm, that’s only 2 exits up the highway, why would it take so long? Just then he reaches up, turns off the engine and switches off his FAA beacon. “You see that?” he asks “I just shut off my beacon. According to FAA regulations that must be running at all times while I am in operation. At this point this plane is nothing more than a big piece of worthless metal. I can’t go anywhere because you guys won’t move out of the doorway and into your seats.” He yells. Man, why is he being so dramatic. We’ve been standing here for like 30 seconds. I’m just trying to get these folks on the correct plane. So we take our seat and after another dramatic pause he restarts the engine and the beacon. At that he begins to drive out of the parking lot and down the highway, backwards, on his wheels.

The Howard Stern Worship Hour?

I was playing softball with some folks from the American community here and guess who should showed up? Howard Stern! He was actually a pretty nice guy and he says that all the things he does on the air are just an act. Well after chatting awhile I admit that I have never seen/listened to his show. So he invites me to come on the air as his guest. So I do. The next day I arrive at his studio and they get me plugged in with a microphone (SM57 oddly enough) a stool and some headphones. Pretty soon the countdown is going and the show is on the air. Howard does his introduction and then starts singing a praise song with his guitar while one of his co-hosts plays the djembe drum. “Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus…” I’m trying to figure out if he is mocking Christianity or what. But no, he appears sincere. So I join in with the rest of his crew and we all sing this song. After the song finishes I ask “Do you always begin your broadcast with a praise song?” “Oh yes!” he replies.

The Formula Fighters!

The Formula Fighters are an elite team of 4 crime fighters that use pimped out Formula One race cars as their means. These cars have all the bells and whistles, button activated oil slicks, missiles, you name it. Today, however, they have been set up! Double crossed! They answered a call only to walk into a police ambush and are now accused of committing the crime they were trying to stop. In a panic the racers split up to evade the police and make it to their rendezvous point. The Green Racer took a northern route but the open roads gave him no advantage over the police helicopter. Missiles were not an option, only evasion. After a few mins at break neck speeds Green Racer mistakenly turned onto a dirt road, lost his traction on the road and went into a ravine. The Green Racer is our first casualty. The Pink Racer chose a southern route through wooded areas which meant the police chopper was of no use. She evaded the police for a long while but eventually drove into a tree to avoid hitting a police man who driven into her path. The Pink Racer is gone. Blue Racer chose a water route. Converting his racer to a submarine he quickly concealed himself in a lake. This left him no where to go however, and he was quickly surrounded. That left only the Yellow Racer, the leader of the crime fighting team. For the next few mins The Yellow Racer demonstrated his unmatchable skill with maneuver after maneuver. He deftly escaped the clutches of the mistaken police each time, while avoiding any injury to them. However, there is one obstacle that even the Yellow Racer cannot out maneuver… traffic. After several death defying moves the Yellow Racer rounds a corner and finds him self trapped in traffic. The police are on him in an instant. The legacy of the Formula One Racers, is finished.

Drafted Into the NBA!

Marcus and I have both been drafted into the NBA! We are both pretty pumped but when we arrive I find out that Marcus has been drafted as a player but I have been drafted to fill a new position as a line ref. I am told it is my job to stand on the baseline and notify the head ref when the ball or a player goes out of bounds. At first I’m kind of bummed but then all of the sudden the action comes my way. Marcus steps out of bounds as he dribbles by and that is when I realize that I don’t have a whistle! So I throw my hand up and the main ref blows his whistle. As it happens the next two plays also come my way and I am forced to use my hands again. At this point the ref looks back at me and yells “where’s your whistle?!?”

The RedCloud Punishment

I had a dream last night that I got in trouble with the law for not wearing a helmet on my motorbike (they are strict over here) so I was sentenced to a month at RedCloud Camp in western Colorado!
So I arrive and they keep referring to “The Director.”
“Don’t make eye contact with the director.”
“You can’t go outside today because the director is in the camp.”
“You must wear long pants today as the director is coming.”
Plus they had us all doing slave labor. So I start organizing a group for an escape!

I'm this weeks guest on Saturday Night Live!

I'm this weeks guest on Saturday Night Live!
I'm all excited about being on the show and I've been telling everyone to watch! Before I know it it's Saturday and we're going live! I take the stage for the opening skit but after my fellow actors start saying their lines I realize that I never got around to looking at a script! So I just start winging it by coming up with my own funny lines on the spot. I'm pretty pleased with myself at this point because I appear to be flowing quite well with the sketch because no one seems disrupted by my performance and everyone in the audience is laughing. Then all of the sudden the skit takes a turn and begins getting pretty filthy. Before I know it I am in the middle of this filthy sketch on live TV being broadcast all over the country! So the show ends and I have to call everyone I know to apologize. My career is over because my fan base is in the Christian market and no one wants to work with me anymore.

The USAA Terrorism Drill Starring Garth Brooks

It’s 5:00pm at USAA the largest bank and insurance company in San Antonio. Being 5pm the nearly 20,000 employees have gone home for the day. I’ve still got a lot of work to do so I continue working. Now it’s nearly 6:30pm and although the cubicles are largely empty about 20 or so employees in my area can be heard pecking away at their keyboards. Then all of the sudden a loud boom was heard followed by smoke. Suddenly the 20 or so remaining employees are popping up in their cubicles like prairie dogs trying to see what the commotion is. Just then, through the smoke, comes the boss and a few people from middle management. They have removed their neck ties and tied them around their foreheads and arms (they are still wearing their suits.) “Listen up!” they yell “this is a terrorism drill! You’ve just been infiltrated! Form one group now! Everyone to the conference room!” The employees slowly comply.. “Oh come on!” The employees grumble to each other. “Why do this at 6:30pm? Are they trying to punish those of us who stayed late to get more work done? Sheesh” Sensing that morale is low the bosses announce that they have a special treat for us since we’ve been “good prisoners.” Just then Garth Brooks and his band come out and begin to play a song I’ve never heard before. “Is this a new one? Does he have a new album coming out? Maybe it’s off the Lost Sessions? And why is Ty England still in the band? I thought he got a new record deal?” we discuss among ourselves. When Garth finishes the song the bosses announce that the drill is over. Garth and the band start breaking down their equipment so I approach them. “Hey Garth, good song. But did you come all this way to play one song for twenty people?” I ask. “Yeah. We were told this would be a bigger crowd.” He replies coldly. So I ask another question. “Is that song going to be on a new album?” But Garth does not reply, just continues to pack up his gear. So I attempt to ask again “Did you hear my question?” “Yes!” he replies “I heard you.” And then he just continues to pack his gear without answering. Hmm, Garth is kind of a jerk I think to myself as I head back to my cubicle.

The Stabbing of Ben Afleck!

(For the record, I can't stand Ben Affleck but for some reason he plays the part of my best friend in this dream.)

Ben Affleck and I have been friends for years! What have I done? It was just a simple argument in the back of a hardware store but now I have stabbed my best friend! As I turned back to tend to his dead body laying on the floor I realize that it is gone! All that remains is a pool of blood! Oh! This is like one of those scenes where he is going to reappear behind me with the knife! So I turn around quickly but instead I see some guy stuffing Ben's body into one of the safes that the store sells! What is he doing? So I approach him and he says "walk away unless you want everyone to know what you have done!" Well, I can't let him take my friends body but maybe it is best to play cool and then follow him. So I agree and walk off to wait. Sure enough he puts the safe on a cart and takes it to the front to buy it. As I am following him through the parking lot, though, I am shocked to hear pounding and yelling coming from the safe! Ben is alive! I run to my truck and head him off at the parking lot entrance. "Um, hi.. remember me? I was just..uh... wondering if you needed any help getting rid of the body?" Of course this was all part of my plan to get Ben back. He says "no thank you" and so I say "ok." At this point I realize that I have driven in front of him in the exit line. So I anticipate his right turn hoping that he will follow. Of course he goes left. So I wait until he is over the hill and then I quickly pull a u-turn into oncoming traffic barely missing a motorcycle and a red sports car. As I get to the top of the hill I see the mystery man making a right turn on a side road. Can I get there in time to se his next turn? Is it too late to save Ben?!?

For the Lost fans out there...

Sayid and I were trapped. The “Others” were closing in and we had nowhere to go… except the big hill. After a quick glance at each other we both threw ourselves over the hill. Tumbling down the hill gave us a speed advantage over our advancing enemies. When we both came to a stop and regained our balance we realized we were staring at a new city neither of us had seen before. Were we still on *our* island? Where did a skyrise with tall buildings come from? On the outskirts of this city was a line made of volcanic ash. Just on the other side of that line were a host of people waving us in enthusiastically. “What!?” I asked, “there are *other* others?!?” At that moment Ben screamed out “No!!! Dunn, Farad! You don’t want to do this! *We’re* the good guys!” Somehow, we weren’t so sure.

The Great Blockbuster Hunt

Scene: My sister and I are at blockbuster
“Just a min Stacy, I’m going to grab “Battle of Midway” to watch with Dad.”
But I can’t seem to find it so the clerk tells me to go look in the cases for “A League of Their Own.” Apparently the last guy rented those two together and may have gotten them switched. So I go and look through all those cases but I have no luck. “Hey, you wrote a review for ‘A League of Their Own’ on our website a few years ago.” He says. He then reads a scathing review I apparently wrote. “Wow.” I said “I don’t remember writing that, I actually liked that movie!”
“Hmm” the clerk says before pointing me to the next spot to look, “try ‘Hero’ with Dustin Hoffman.” So I go and look there, no luck. I try a few more options that he gives me before finally telling him never mind. At this point I realize that we have been there for a long time, possibly hours. I look at my watch and it’s 2:30am! Too late to watch a movie anyway. “Don’t you guys close at midnight?” I ask. “Yes, but we stay open as long as we have customers.” He replies. Wow, I feel like a jerk.

The Big Tomato Peeler

By Special Guest, Kathryn Boyd

I was at the store for the sole purpose of getting my tomato peeled. However, as I passed the cash register on my way to the peeler my tomato suddenly began to grow in size! Within moments it went from being a normal sized tomato to being about three feet in diameter! The peeler, upon seeing that my tomato had grown so large, calmly provided a pair of large prongs to hold the tomato while the cashier operated a crank to turn the prong which turned the tomato. The peeler remained stationary as the tomato spun around it peeled.

(thanks Kathryn!)

Osama and the Janitor

I had been working nights as a janitor in this small three story building. I didn’t know what it was used for during the day. I just came at night and cleaned. So, imagine my surprise when I turned the corner one night, mop in hand, and there I stood face to face with Osama Bin Laden and his 2nd Lieutenant. The number 1 and number 2 guys in Al Queda were right in front of me! Osama smiled when he saw me and said
“Hello my brother! Soon our plan will come to fruition! The Americans downstairs can do nothing to stop us!”
What? I’m not his brother! Well, maybe it would be smart to play along for now. So I smiled and slipped over to the staircase to see what he was talking about. I went down one flight of stairs and peeked around the corner. Wow! 3 rows of American military watching TV screens, computer monitors and listening to head phones. They have the entire upstairs under surveillance! Oh no! Their going to think I’m with Osama! Why aren’t they doing anything to stop the attack?

Stephen Spielberg and The Spit Wad

High upon the 54th floor of the hotel Stephen Spielberg was in fine form entertaining his friends. He had a drink in his hands as a story flowed from his mouth.
“So that young man, now mind you this was thirty years ago and we were both nothing in this business, but that young man said to me, Stevie… you’re going to make it. I know it. And that young man, well… you might know his as… Chuck.” He finished, in dramatic tones.
“Chuck!” “Oh, ha ha. Chuck.” Exclaimed his friends trying to act surprised and entertained even though they had heard this story a hundred times. His “friends” were actually his staff. Stephen knew he didn’t have any friends, but he liked to think that they enjoyed his story anyway. They didn’t.

Meanwhile 54 floors below in the lobby of the hotel Darin was being taken to task by the hotels owner and operator.
“Mr. Dunn. Do you realize the seriousness of this offense?” He sternly chided.
Of course Darin did but he was trying to suppress his giggles. Launching spit wads into Sarah’s hair was something Darin had been doing since high school but on the other hand, this was Singapore and Darin knew he needed to respect their customs.
“Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…”
“MR DUNN! The time for apologies has long passed!” Came the hotel owners interrupting reply. Darin knew how to get out of this, although he hated to play this card, he knew it was time.
“Sir.” He started in a respectful manner. “A friend of mine named Chuck once said….”
“Chuck?! You know Chuck?” The owner replied somewhat embarrassed.
“Why yes, yes I do. He’s a good friend.” Said Darin with a grin on his face.
“Well then. I suppose your offense can be forgiven…. this time.” Replied the owner.

The Hotel Owner Operator Returns

(I kid you not. I had this dream the same night!)

Darin knew that he needed to remember the dream he had. It was too funny to forget. So he grabbed a piece of chalk from the hotel counter and began to write on the wall:

“Mr. Dunn. Do you realize the seriousness of this offense?” The hotel owner sternly chided.”

At that moment Darin heard a throat clearing about 5 feet behind him. As he turned around the hotels owner was looking him right in the eyes, and he was not amused.

The Beach Attack!

It was a beautiful day to be at the beach. Some of us were in the shallow surf and others were relaxing in the sand when suddenly that peaceful day came to an abrupt end. Without any warning 5 creatures came out of the sea with dread lock like tentacles squirming around on top of their heads. They were an eerie mixture of beige and green which allowed them to perfectly blend with their surroundings. Before any of us really knew what was going on we were whisked away. The creatures grabbed us in twos and tucked us under their arms as they quickly returned to the ocean. The entire attack took maybe 6 seconds when suddenly we found ourselves underwater holding our breaths. Down, down, down we went until we reached the Ocean floor some 100 feet below the surface. The panic we felt immediately subsided when we were thrust into chambers containing oxygen. We were once again standing on dry ground, breathing air. The creatures quickly left, leaving us all alone. It didn’t take me but a moment to realize that these were not chambers at all but merely air bubbles. I slipped out of the bubble and found my self deep below the ocean surface. I was free, but I knew that I could never reach the surface without an air tank. I returned to the bubble to inform the group of our predicament.

The Cable Car Production Company

The moral at work had been low, as usual. It was hard to keep a good attitude when your company was facing inevitable layoffs. I have been the manager here since the good ole days but it just seemed that cable cars were no longer as popular as they once were. That being the case it was not a good time own a company that’s sole purpose was cable car production for the San Antonio area. I try to keep their spirits up by making funny comments like “Come on people! Together we can be San Antonio’s number 1 cable car producer!” or “Do you guys even want to be San Antonio’s premier cable car manufacturer?” These comments usually brought a smile or even a chuckle to the faces in the crowd…. But everyone knew that layoffs were inevitable.

Intro - Explanation

Several times a week I wake up laughing at the dreams that I have. Some of them are very bizarre and often humorous. So I came up with idea of writing them down to share with whoever cared to read.

These stories have not been embellished. I have written them down exactly as they occurred.

Enjoy!