Taco Bell Comes To Thailand?

I’m in Bang Sak and Marcus is getting ready to put on a movie. “Hold on guys, I’m going to run and get something to snack on” I announce. Marcus offers me a motorbike but I insist on taking my skateboard. So I head off down the highway on my skate board. I keep going past Ban Niang and even Khao Lak because I can’t find anything that I want to eat. Eventually I am going up over the hill and I come down near the elephant camp on the backside of the mountain. As I come down I see a huge, American Style shopping center that has gone up over night. They have a “Logans”, “McDonalds”, “Old Navy”, everything you can think of. So I driving around in there a bit and Ada pulls up next to me with Ben in the grey car. She stops to chat for a few moments and before you know it Ben is gone. “Ben!! Where did you go?” Ben pokes his head out of the second story window and waves. “You have 5 seconds to get down here!” Ada warns before beginning her count. “One, Two, Two and a half, Three…” Ben runs up out of breath. “What were you doing? That’s not your house!” She tells him. So they say goodbye and head back to Bang Sak. So I start skating through this shopping center when all of the sudden I loose my skateboard! It goes flying down the street towards this pregnant lady as her husband is helping her across the street. She can barely walk and as I look at the moo moo she is wearing I can’t determine whether she actually has any legs. She stands at about three feet tall and the rest of her proportions seem correct, just no legs. At about this time the skateboard nails her in the back. Her husband is understandably furious. As I run up to retrieve the board he starts yelling at me. I start apologizing as best I can in Thai. At that point he stops me and says “I’m Singaporean!” So he continues chewing me out telling me that I should use the wheel lock when I’m not using the skateboard to keep it from flying off, etc.. Just then I see something magical and amazing over his left shoulder! A Taco Bell Sign! What?!? Taco Bell has come to Thailand!! Woo Hoo! So I grab my board and rush over there. As I dash inside I see a dining room empty except for three thais sharing a corner booth. I run to the counter to buy them out. Man, I can just imagine the faces of the folks back in Bang Sak when I walk in with Taco Bell! So I start to order and he tells me that they are closed already. What? “When do you close?” I ask. “9:00pm” he replies. I look at my watch and it’s only 9:04pm! Oh come on! “What time do you open” I ask. He responds by saying “Sip mong yen.” Which means 10th hour of the evening. What? It only goes up to 6. “Array na Khrup Sip Mong Yen Chai Mai?” I verify. “Chay” he confirms. Crud. That does not make any sense. How am I ever going to get any Tacos if I don’t know what time they open. I don’t want to reveal that I don’t understand his Thai so I just say thank you and walk out. When I get back outside the man and his pregnant wife are there. He says that he wants me to have his police scanner and CB radio. Uh, ok. So I say thank you and I take it. About that time Dean pulls up in the white car and unloads a lazy boy recliner. “Can you take this back to Bang Sak for me?“ So I take the chair and begin dragging it along. A little further down the highway Marcus, Bum and some other American’s pull up on various motorbikes. “There you are!” Marcus says “What happened to you? I thought you were going to grab some food. Why do you have a police scanner, CB radio and a recliner?” “It’s a long story” I reply “but I found a Taco Bell!” “WHAT?!?” everyone yells at once. So I begin to tell them about the location and about how they were closed. “There were people eating in the dinning room? You could see and smell the food but they were closed? Brutal!” Marcus exclaims “I know!” I respond. So we start to head back to Khao lak. One of the Americans, Ronnie from The Shield, helps me with the chair. “Where did you get the police scanner and the radio?” he asks. So I explain. Then I get an idea to put the chair on the skateboard. “Ronnie tilt the chair back so I can get the skateboard under it” I explain. But he does not get it and he just tilts it the wrong way. “No tilt it back!” wrong again. This goes on for awhile before he finally understands. Eventually we get the chair on the skateboard and we all head back home, without our Taco Bell.

A Dream Within a Dream...Within A Dream

I’m supposed to be running sound at church but I overslept! So I get up and begin to get ready. I’m trying to take a shower but the faucet breaks! So I get some tools and fix the faucet but then I can’t find any shampoo! So I look all over and finally find some. Then I am finally ready so I go outside and my car is gone! Where did I leave it? About that time I wake up and realize that it is all a dream! So I go to take a shower but the faucet breaks! So I get some tools and fix the faucet.. You get the idea. This goes around about 4 times and then I wake up for real and realize that it is time to get ready for church, but I’m not late.

The Backwards Flying Taxi Plane

As we’re standing in the parking lot of Cross Roads Mall a 20 seat executive jet comes into the picture flying backwards. As we stare at this strange site, to our amazement, it lands in the parking lot! Several people shuffle off and some people get on. There are a group of Thai tourists standing there apparently trying to figure out if this is their plane. So I step in to translate. “Pai nai?” I ask. “Pai Wurzbach khrup.” They respond. So I ask the pilot. “Excuse me, are you going to Wurzbach and I-10?” To which he replies, “yes! I don’t have time for this, either get on or move out of the doorway!” Geez. Why is he so agitated? “Gi Chuamong?” The Thais ask me. So I ask the driver “how long will the trip take?” “15 mins!” he yells. Hmm, that’s only 2 exits up the highway, why would it take so long? Just then he reaches up, turns off the engine and switches off his FAA beacon. “You see that?” he asks “I just shut off my beacon. According to FAA regulations that must be running at all times while I am in operation. At this point this plane is nothing more than a big piece of worthless metal. I can’t go anywhere because you guys won’t move out of the doorway and into your seats.” He yells. Man, why is he being so dramatic. We’ve been standing here for like 30 seconds. I’m just trying to get these folks on the correct plane. So we take our seat and after another dramatic pause he restarts the engine and the beacon. At that he begins to drive out of the parking lot and down the highway, backwards, on his wheels.

The Howard Stern Worship Hour?

I was playing softball with some folks from the American community here and guess who should showed up? Howard Stern! He was actually a pretty nice guy and he says that all the things he does on the air are just an act. Well after chatting awhile I admit that I have never seen/listened to his show. So he invites me to come on the air as his guest. So I do. The next day I arrive at his studio and they get me plugged in with a microphone (SM57 oddly enough) a stool and some headphones. Pretty soon the countdown is going and the show is on the air. Howard does his introduction and then starts singing a praise song with his guitar while one of his co-hosts plays the djembe drum. “Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus…” I’m trying to figure out if he is mocking Christianity or what. But no, he appears sincere. So I join in with the rest of his crew and we all sing this song. After the song finishes I ask “Do you always begin your broadcast with a praise song?” “Oh yes!” he replies.

The Formula Fighters!

The Formula Fighters are an elite team of 4 crime fighters that use pimped out Formula One race cars as their means. These cars have all the bells and whistles, button activated oil slicks, missiles, you name it. Today, however, they have been set up! Double crossed! They answered a call only to walk into a police ambush and are now accused of committing the crime they were trying to stop. In a panic the racers split up to evade the police and make it to their rendezvous point. The Green Racer took a northern route but the open roads gave him no advantage over the police helicopter. Missiles were not an option, only evasion. After a few mins at break neck speeds Green Racer mistakenly turned onto a dirt road, lost his traction on the road and went into a ravine. The Green Racer is our first casualty. The Pink Racer chose a southern route through wooded areas which meant the police chopper was of no use. She evaded the police for a long while but eventually drove into a tree to avoid hitting a police man who driven into her path. The Pink Racer is gone. Blue Racer chose a water route. Converting his racer to a submarine he quickly concealed himself in a lake. This left him no where to go however, and he was quickly surrounded. That left only the Yellow Racer, the leader of the crime fighting team. For the next few mins The Yellow Racer demonstrated his unmatchable skill with maneuver after maneuver. He deftly escaped the clutches of the mistaken police each time, while avoiding any injury to them. However, there is one obstacle that even the Yellow Racer cannot out maneuver… traffic. After several death defying moves the Yellow Racer rounds a corner and finds him self trapped in traffic. The police are on him in an instant. The legacy of the Formula One Racers, is finished.