The Rouge Soliders vs The Devil!

I'm in some far off make believe land. My friends Churan and Lada have built a new house right across from the King’s palace! I go to check it out and it has a nice moat running around and through it. The moat is dry though so Jonathan and I begin to fill it up. I use a pipe system from the local canal. As I am doing this the King comes over and we begin bowing out of respect. He is just passing by so we are soon back to our task. Within minutes cool clean clear water runs through the house from the raging canal that passes in front of the house. Churan and Lada come over and begin to show them what I have done. We are all amazed at how clear the water is! It looks like a South Texas river except that it is raging quite fast. I want to test the safety for the kids so I jump in and I am immediately whipped down the river until I can make my way to the side to climb out. For me this isn’t a problem but I quickly run back and to tell Churan and Lada that it is not safe for the kids. Soon I notice that the water in the moat and canal has turned a murky brown that you would expect from a Thai river with lots of whirlpools and stray currents. Now the water looks dark and scary. We all move inside. As we visit I am amazed at Lada’s English! She has learned a lot! I decide to catch a ride on a U.S. military boat that is traveling down river. There are about 15 soldiers on board and we soon pull into a U.S. Military base. To my dismay though, the soldiers decide it would be fun to destroy some property and shoot off the boats guns. They begin causing major damage to the base despite my protests. Then the boat converts to a hovercraft as they make their getaway down a highway and some side roads. After a while of this the soldiers decide that the jig is up and they abandon the boat. They tell me to stay behind and pretend to be sick so that I won’t be implicated. They put me in a body bag and label me as having a high fever and suffering from hallucinations. I am very claustrophobic but I try to put up with it. I keep my face unzipped until the last possible min when the MPs arrive. They find me and decide to transport me back to the base hospital. In my bag I have my Bible and phone and I struggle to keep them in my possession as I am moved around. I am also careful to keep up the rouse by keeping my eyes closed and moaning. After a time I “recover” and stay on with the good soldiers. Years pass and I continue to live with them a serve as a civilian solider. One day I decide that I am tired of hiding the truth and so I decide to confess to how I came to be in their company. I jump on a series of conveyer belts that will take me to the General. As I am quietly riding the belts I hear some deep scary noises on the belt below me. I look over and see that Satan himself is heading to see the General as well! He looks like one of the creatures from “The Village.” I listen as he speaks to himself of his plan to take out the whole base! Oh no! I must warn the General!

Flying to The McDonalds

Staci and I are at a conference and for some reason we have chosen to sleep on the table rather than the mattress. Our alarm goes off and Staci begins to get ready for a breakfast event that is just for the ladies. She leaves the room and I move over to the bed. Just then she comes back in for something that she forgot and asks me why I am in the bed instead of the table. I reply that I don’t have to get up yet and so I moved to the bed so that I can go back to sleep. She’s not happy about this. Feeling guilty I decide to just get up and head down for some breakfast. Upon arriving at the cafeteria I learn that it is not open and that we are on our own for breakfast. So I head down to the local mall which is about a mile away. I decide to fly there instead of walk because it is more fun. So I begin to fly about 15 feet off of the ground as I follow the sidewalk to the mall. During my flight I pass and say hello to several folks from the conference. Eventually I arrive at the mall and see that everyone is heading to McDonalds which appears to be the only option. Not wanting to eat a burger for breakfast I turn down a few invitations by explaining that I am just out for exercise and nothing more. At that point I begin to fly back toward the hotel.

An Unexpected Trip to The Galapagos Islands!

A group of us are on a plane to Thailand when it is announced that we will be making a quick stop in the Galapagos Islands to refuel. It shouldn’t take long but we are permitted to tour around the island a bit while we wait. So we land and are transferred to a tour bus. There is a weird guy on the bus who keeps spitting on people when he talks so I begin texting someone in the back of the bus about it. “Do you see this guy?!” There are several other unique characters on the bus and we all chat and get to know one another. During this time I am riding in the stairwell and occasionally the driver opens the doors so I can hang out and take pictures while we wait. For some reason there are wild iguanas and St Banards mingling about everywhere. Off to the sides of the roads are swamp areas where the two species can be seen co-existing and even playing together. I’ve never seen so many in one place before! After awhile the sites begin to look very touristy and at one point they even have a Kevin James impersonator in a cage performing for the tourists. As the bus stops briefly we get to hear the impersonator say a line or two and then give a classic Kevin James expression. We all laugh and cheer and as we drive away I yell to his captors that he is actually very good! I assume they do not know this for sure since they have never actually seen Kevin James perform. They just know that Americans love Kevin James! There are several other booths along the road and finally the driver pulls over and allows us to get out to look and participate a little. So we all pile out and begin to participate in soccer kicking booths, etc.. As some of the other passengers play the games I sit down at a table with an older man who is apparently the owner of these attractions. I order a burger and shake and he begins to tell me all about the history of the business. I mention to him that he has an impeccable American accent and he scoffs that all Galapagoins speak with American accents. And then the dream ends.

Breaking into Rockefeller Center

For some reason my church from Thailand is gathered for a service in downtown Manhattan. After the service Staci, Keri and I decide that we are going to have lunch at Miguel’s (my favorite restaurant in Thailand) which, in my dream, is located inside Rockefeller Center, the home of NBC. We soon realize that Rockefeller Center is closed on Sundays and so we decide to sneak in through the air conditioner ventilation system on the roof. In the next scene we are on the roof looking down into the ventilation shaft. Neither Keri or I want to try it so Staci dives in head first. At first she gets stuck in the small tubes that are descending in a spiral but eventually she works her way down into the building. Keri and I are watching her descend through the clear tubes from a sky light. Keri goes next and also makes it. Due to my claustrophobia I decide that there is NO WAY I am doing that! So I signal to them that I will find another way in and I will meet them at Miguel’s. So I head back down to the bottom of the building (somehow) and enter through an open window. There are guards walking around everywhere so I quickly assume a hiding spot in the lobby amongst the decorative statues. Soon I notice that the animated statues, which normally act out a scene of children playing in a yard, are now fighting with each other. I laugh to myself as I realize that the guards must have reprogrammed them for their own entertainment during their night shift. “They better reset them before Monday morning” I think to myself. At this point I have been laying down on the ground motionless next to another statue for quite awhile and several guards have walked by without noticing me. Then Staci starts talking to me through a walkie talkie “Darin, are you there? Are you coming?” Her voice echoes through the lobby but the guard does not seem to hear it over the elevator music so he keeps walking. I tell Staci that I am on my way. I dash for the stairs and begin running up the flights of stairs until I reach the 101st floor. At this point I realize I am several floors from the top but this must be where the stairs stop. Maybe because the top floors are the executive levels. I will have to find another way up. I begin walking casually through the halls and I walk past several janitors who look at me somewhat suspiciously. “Have you seen Bill?” I ask one of them as I continue walking. I walk through a couple rooms and encounter a guard. I grab a nearby clipboard and make a few notations as I smile at him. “Hey Mike. It’s Mike right?” I ask. “It’s Mark.” He says. “Oh, right. Sorry.” I reply as I smile to myself at how close I got with my guess. I keep walking. Soon I reach an elevator and I take it one floor up. When I get there I am in a waiting room full of people waiting for job interviews with USAA. I see one of my old USAA friends there and he says hello. Still trying to make it look like I belong in the building I decide to play along. One of the applicants plays right into my plan when he asks “Sir, could you direct me to the proper desk?” “Sure”, I reply as I lead him to an empty desk. One of the interviewers looks at me suspiciously. I stand around for a bit to sell the act when all of the sudden the main lady gets up and says “Listen up everyone. There are no more jobs. Sorry. Go home! Actually we have one job left. And it belongs to the person that took the initiative to help us out by leading people to empty desks. Who was that person? Please step forward.” Everyone grumbles and says how mean she is. I have no intention of taking that job so as the crowd files to the elevator and I jump in as well. Then I realize that there are only three of us in the elevator so I hold the door. “Let’s get some more people in here” I suggest. The more people the less suspicious I appear. So I hit the button to go up one more floor. Everyone grumbles because they need to head to the lobby. I jump off at the top floor to find a guard with Staci, and Keri over talking to Taylor King. “What’s going on?” I ask. Taylor explains to me that they have their church service in the building and that is why he was there. Staci explains that the guard saw them so they confessed. “What? Come on! Why didn’t you just tell them that you were going to the church service!?” I ask as the guard escorts us out. No Miguel’s today.

The Transporting Crecent Thing

I came across a device that was kind of metallic crescent about the size of an archery bow. After playing around with it I discovered that it gave me the ability to transport myself to another location! But the catch was the location was always about 30 feet from my original point. So I was messing around with this and then I saw Mark Ferris drive by on a 4 wheel ATV. He drove across a little bridge and stopped near a pile of rocks. So I transported a few times and made it over to where he was. But just as I was beginning to tell him about this thing that I had found, this 10 year old kid comes running around the corner swinging this big heavy sword! Mark and I were kind of laughing and asking him what he was doing with that sword. He kept approaching clumsily swinging it around! Then all of the sudden he jabs Mark in the stomach and he drops dead! What just happened?!? Suddenly he comes at me and so I transport myself. But every time I reappear he’s right there so I just keep transporting myself over and over heading back across the bridge toward my little cabin. The kid is still right on me swinging his sword and yelling. Eventually I make it to my house and run inside. Then the kid comes running inside. So I transport again outside of the cabin. This buys me some time because he does not know where I am. So I remain still on the side of the cabin. But as I am leaning against the wall I realize that my hand is transporting through the wall. Wow! Cool. But then all of the sudden I feel a flash of pain and then begin to feel faint. I pull my hand back to discover that the kid has sliced off my fingers! Oh no! Then I hear him yelling and running around the cabin to find me. So I begin trying to transport again but I can’t concentrate long enough to pull it off. Come on! Come on! Then, right before the kid gets there I transport myself to the roof. His sword literally came crashing down right where I had been standing. So now I’m laying on the roof bleeding trying to figure out what to do next. Then I hear the kid say “I hear you up there and I’m coming for you!!” He begins to climb up the roof as I lay there in pain and gasping for breath….and the dream ends.

Penguin Land and the Escape From Walmart!

Staci and I are in Hua Hin, Thailand. But for some reason, in this dream Hua Hin is an Island as opposed to a coastal town. I’m at a church setting up my guitar and preparing to lead worship for the Sunday morning service. Staci comes up and tells me she needs something from Lotus (like a Walmart) and she wants me to come along. I’m not sure if I have time before the service starts but she convinces me to go. Before I know it we are on a plane flying out! “Where are we going!?” I ask? “Bangkok?!?” “No” she replies calmly “it’s just a shuttle flight to the other side of the island. We’ll make it back in time.” So we exit the plane and enter the Lotus. Staci goes straight to a cordoned off area near the back of the store that has a large sign that says “Penguin Land.” But it’s empty. “Where are all the penguins?!” She asks. The attendant informs her that they are not there today. Staci is pretty disappointed. So I tell her I’ll be right back and I start looking around the store. After a while I realize that I am back outside after going through the wrong door. Oh no! They won’t let me back in! So I walk around the back of the store and I find a fire exit which I promptly use as an entrance. The alarms starts going off and store attendants start chasing me! So I run into a restroom that has two entrances. I run inside, throw away my coat, hat and Big Gulp and then exit the other way. It works and I lose the attendants. So I head back into the isles to look for Staci. But before I find her I come across the place where they are keeping the penguins! “I’ll take one please!” I ask while hastily looking over my shoulders. “I’m sorry sir but we are evacuating the store because of the alarm.” She explains. So I plead with her and she finally sells me the penguin. So I take the live penguin and I exit the store. Just outside I find Staci and hand her the penguin. She’s pretty excited about it but I suggest we get back to the plane. So we exit the area along with the masses of evacuees. I wonder if I’ll make it back in time!

I overinflated my dog!

My mom asked me to inflate our dog buttercup. When she asks this it makes perfect sense to me. She is asking me to check the air like I would my motorbike. So I take Buttercup to an electric air pump at the gas station.
She's got a pin hole in the middle of her chest and one on her stomach.
So
I put 32 Kgs of pressure in each hole. (this is the same pressure my motorbike requires) So I finish airing her up and then turn the pump off.
At that point she just sort of keels over. Then my mom walks up and asks if I overinflated the dog. "I don't think so.. I put in 32 Kgs of air." I explain. "32 Kgs!! It's supposed to be 32 Lbs!! Darin! We don't use the metric system in America! That was way to much air!" She explains. So I take the pump needle and begin to let some air out. Slowly Buttercup begins to be able to stand again and she immediately licks my face.

I'm Will Smith... I'm invisible...and I can fly!

As the dream opens I realize that I am Will Smith, but viewing the dream in the first person. I am in a trailer home with a big yard out front. There are about 6 or 7 kids watching a TV in the room. Meanwhile in the kitchen, which is part of the room, a grungy looking dude in a muscle shirt prepares various drugs and begins to package them for distribution. As I look over at the kids I notice they are all under the age of 6 and intently watching some children’s show. I soon realize that I am invisible. No one can see me. So I begin to take note as to what kind of drugs he is making and where he is hiding them in the house. With this information I can have him put away and I can save these kids from danger! So I continue observing when all of the sudden a kid is tugging at my sleeve and asking me to watch the show with them. What?!? They can see me? The drug dealer does not notice what is going on since the kids are all being loud and he is focused. So I quietly tell the kid that I will join them in a min. Soon another kid comes over to talk to me. This time the drug dealer notices. But I get away and he goes back to work. A few mins later he looks my way with suspicion! I look down and realize that I am casting a shadow! So I move away from the window. He goes back to work. For the next few mins I continue to observe all the while avoiding the dealer when he moves around the room and avoiding the large window so I don’t cast a shadow. After a few mins 2 kids begin talking to me again! Oh no! Finally the dealer realizes what is going on and he yells “I knew it! It’s YOU!” He grabs a shotgun and I head for the door! The kids all run with me. All 7 of them are grabbing me and running with me saying they want to show me their castle fort! I can’t break away and they are giving away my position. As with many of dreams, I have the ability to fly. But just like always I can’t fly high and I can’t fly fast. So I manage to break free and I get up into the air. Now I am flying about 3-5 feet above the kids and the dealer is in pursuit! As I fly across the yard the kids are still right underneath me! I finally make it to the other side of the property which sits on a cliff over looking the ocean. So I fly out over the ocean hoping that I can get far enough away to lose him. My shadow is on the water though so the dealer starts swimming after me. Soon I see an island in the distance about 30 yards in width. So I land on the island. There is an 8 year old boy waiting there. As I land he says “Dad! Did you get my ball?!?” “Yes I did”, I say. And then I produce a ball that has been ripped in half. “I’ll get you a new one ok? Now run a long and play” I tell him. So the boy disappears into a hole beneath a rock. The drug dealer finally makes it to land. “So! What were you doing in my house?!” He yells. “Well I was coming to ask you why you ripped my son’s ball apart when it washed ashore! But then I saw that you were dealing drugs and I decided I had to stop you!” I explain. At this point my son walks back up and so he glares at him and says “Well, the ball washed up on MY property but now I have to kill you for seeing what you saw!” At that moment I hit him on the head with a rock which knocks him down. I grab my son and take him back down the hole. To my surprise the hole drops me into a room in an ordinary house! I go to the front door with my son and look out at a typical suburban neighborhood! It’s some kind of portal! So I tell him to go to his friend’s house to play. After he runs off I grab a rake from a basket nearby. Just then the drug dealer emerges with a shovel. We touch our weapons together and then begin maneuvering around as we begin our battle! All the while we are staring into each others eyes. No one is backing down from this fight! …..Just then my phone rings which wakes me up. Oh! It’s Staci!

Ashley, The President, and the Lack of Cell Phones

The scene opens as a middle school aged girl named Ashley heads to school. Her father, a politician, is already at the office so the maid and staff see her off.

Now the scene changes and years have passed. We see this girl, now high school aged coming home from a day at her high school. Once again her father is absent. As she arrived at her apartment her brother meets her in the hall. “I didn’t want to alarm you so I decided to meet you in the hall to tell you. There are a lot of people waiting in the apartment to speak to you. Something has happened.” As Ashley and her brother enter the apartment we see dozens of people crowding the small one bedroom space. This is no surprise party or intervention. We now learn that her father has become President of the United States and there has been a terrorist attack in the city! These people have all come here to tell her that her sister has not been heard of since she left her middle school an hour ago. With access to the city shut down they have come to Ashley for help. Shocked, Ashley asks her brother why he has not yet done anything. “Well, ever since I tried to stage that coup 17 months ago I have no influence or power! I only have this desk job because you gave it to me! It’s up to you now to save our sister!” So Ashley takes off on her mission to find her sister.

Meanwhile, the scene changes and we see her sister getting out of school and going straight to the Whitehouse safe room. But since her dad, the President, has long refused to buy the family cell phones Ashley has no way of knowing this. So Ashley travels needlessly into harms way.

The scene changes again and we see the President notified that Ashley is in the city searching for the very sister that is now safely by his side. The President collapses to the floor in grief. If only he had purchased that family cell phone plan!!

The Homeless Guy

My mom has volunteered to man the prayer chapel and its Christmas Eve. The chapel is supposed to be available all night and they just needed someone to be there. So she volunteers and I offer to keep her company. So we visit for awhile but when it becomes apparent that no one is going to show up she decides to get some sleep. So she heads to a cot in the corner and I take the couch with our dog Buttercup. Throughout the night I have noticed a homeless guy watching through the windows so I ask my mom if it’s safe to go to sleep with him out there. “Oh yeah. It’s fine. He can’t get in.” She says. So we both nod off before too long. Well soon after falling asleep I am awaken to a sound and I jump up thinking that the homeless guy got in! Soon I realize that he didn’t and my yell woke my mom. “He can’t get in Darin, go back to sleep” she says. So I do but then I dream about a boy named John who is in the hospital and I am a volunteer helping the nurses out. He’s got some kind of eye injury and so I help take care of him. But all of the sudden I am awaken by a sound again! So I again jump up and yell thinking the homeless guy is inside. But instead I notice a young couple praying in the front pew. “Oh, I’m sorry” I explain. “No problem at all” they answer. He goes on to explain that he is a doctor and just got off the 3am shift and wanted to share a Christmas Eve service with his wife since he had to work earlier. They go on to explain that their son John is in the hospital with an eye injury. “Oh don’t worry” I say. “I was there earlier and he’s doing fine.” “What?” They answer. “How could you have been? He’s in Iraq.” Just then I realize that they got in somehow and so the homeless guy must have as well! I look over at my mom and behind her in the shadows is the homeless man approaching her!!!

Obama Interrupts To Ask For Money

I am supposed to be meeting someone in the main office at my church to record a voice over for a video I am working on. But as I am setting up I start having a lot of trouble with the software I am using to record. Mrs. Mott is waiting patiently to record her narration. As I continue messing with it Barack Obama walks in! He tells me that my church has agreed to give him a $40,000 donation! This puzzles me and I wonder if that is even legal given our tax exempt status. But hey, he seems like a nice guy so I begin the transfer.

He goes on to explain that this was a mutual fund he went in on with my church and they are splitting the profits. So I begin the transfer but after about $20,000 is transferred the transfer fails. I am about to start it over when I realize that I should probably check with our accountant as I am overstepping my bounds here as a mere former employee in the tech dept. So I apologize to both Obama and Mrs. Mott and I step into the hall to use my cell to call our accountant Kevin. It takes awhile to reach him and I try his home, work and cell. Finally I reach him and I hear country music playing in the background. So I tell him what happened and I ask him if I can go ahead with the transfer. “No.” Is his response. “Oh.. ok.. um.. yeah just thought I would check… I will tell Obama.” I reply.

So I head back to the office to break the news. About then I see Brian Wells and his brother making the rounds talking to people. “Brian’s in town?!” But I don’t have time to stop as much as I want to! So I keep heading back to the office and I find that Obama has his Blackberry, laptop and various papers strewn about as he makes various calls seeking financial contributions. Meanwhile Mrs. Mott is asleep in the corner. So I tell Obama the news, we can’t do the transfer. He quickly begins gathering his things and says “Well Mr. Dunn that is very disappointing.” He gets up and leaves. “Was that a scam? “ I wonder. So I go over to wake up Mrs. Mott to begin the recording.

Buttercup and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skulls

My older brother Trey and I are hanging out at my parents house because I’ve just gotten home from Thailand. He’s got our awesome family dog Buttercup in his lap. I really want to hold Buttercup but I feel bad asking him so I don’t. He’s on one couch and I’m on the other and we are watching TV. He’s flipping around the channels and he passes “Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull!”

“Trey! Go back! That was the new Indiana Jones movie which isn’t even out yet! How did you get that channel?!?” I yell excitedly.
“I’m not sure, I was just flipping around.” He replies.

So he keeps flipping but he can’t find it! So he tosses me the remote to see if I can find it. So I start flipping but all I’m getting are Thai TV shows! GRRR! So I give up and we just watch a Thai soap opera.

After a few mins he sighs and says “Well this stinks. You want the dog?”

“Yes!” I proclaim! And he hands me Buttercup.

The Democrats are coming to Bangkok!

The Democrats are coming to Bangkok and I have been chosen to give them the tour! I'm not sure why they are here but it's for some sort of publicity tour. After they arrive we take them down to the river for a boat tour of the Bangkok canals. They each have their own entourages so we split up into two boats. Obama and Hillary are in my boat and in the other boat are the press and John Edwards. Well we ride through the canals and arrive at the famous snake farm. As we pull up to the dock we see a hoard of press who have gathered on the bank. As the tour guide I am told that I need to make a statement. So I dismount and approach the microphones and cameras. I clear my throat and prepare to deliver the joke I have been planning in my head. "Ladies and gentlemen, I had a nice boat ride over here with Mr. Obama and Mrs. Clinton. We had a chance to talk about the current presidential race and let me tell you, I'm pretty sure Mr. Obama is still 'undecided.'" The media laughs and I finish up. "Thank you all very much, that's all for now." So I begin leading the group into the Snake Farm. And that's when I realize my error! Oh no, I was suppossed to say that John Edwards was undecided, not Obama! Why would Obama be undecided? He's leading the race! The joke was suppossed to be that Edwards is the candidate in distant third place so the main two candidates are vying for his support. But I blew the punchline! Not only that but for the joke to work I would have had to be on Edwards boat! As I play back my press conference in my head I realize how foolish I must have looked!

You can’t keep a good Double O agent down!

Three double O agents are stealthily trying to enter a room. Myself, the black guy from Casino Royal and Jessica Biel. We enter the room under the cover of darkness but suddenly the lights come on and we are surrounded by enemy agents!! We begin flipping, spinning and diving around the room firing at them with our hand guns while they unload their fully automatic machine guns! When the smoke clears all three agents are alive and well and the bodies of the fallen enemy agents blink and disappear (like in old video games.) We have successfully cleared the room. Just then TV’s Steven Weber emerges from behind a box doing the slow clap thing. “Congratulations, you have just emptied your magazines on 30 heavily armed…. Holograms!” Just then the door opens behind us and the real 30 armed agents enter the room wearing full swat gear. We drop our empty side arms in defeat as Weber laughs in a self congratulatory way. The other agents and I slowly make eye contact and blink in agreement. “Now!” we yell as we engage the enemy in hand to hand combat. They didn’t count on the fact that their large numbers and this cramped room renders their weapons useless.

Snake Breeding?!?

I’m over at the Overholt’s house at their 4 new puppies are running around with a Cobra in their midst! “What?!? Why is there a snake in there with the puppies?!?” I ask. “It’s ok!” I’m told. “We are trying to get to them breed with the snake because we want a pet mongoose!”

Snake Bite!

I’m in Bang Sak with Trevor and Kory and we decide to go to Khoa Lak. So we start heading that way but we keep stopping at various places that have accumulated water to swim. Drainage ditches, rivers, ponds, etc.. Just before arriving in Khao Lak we see a row of brand new houses. “Wow, those are new!” we note. About that time we notice a ditch with some water in it that has a layer of moss on the surface. For some reason we all jump in even as we are saying to each other how unsafe it is and how there might be snakes. Just then a snake jumps out and bites me on the neck and face! Instantly I can’t breath very well so I ask the guys to go get some help. Pretty soon a man walks up calmly with his wife and starts putting some sort of medicine on my face and neck. At this point I realize that I can breathe normally again. “Me Pen Ha Mai?” I ask. He responds to tell me, no, I’ll be ok, it won’t be a problem. So I get up and follow him back to his shop to say thank you. A European man is apparently working there and he just hands me three receipts! The first two are for 481.50 baht each and the third one is for 37 baht totaling 1000 baht! So then I look up and realize that his shop is called “Snake Rescue!” So I try to talk to the European but he does not understand English! He keeps trying to explain something using a toy snake. Frustrated I walk past him to the thai man and I ask him “Ani pen allay khrup?” (what is this for?) and he responds “Ani pen yaa, leew ani pen service charge” (this is for the medicine and this is the service charge.) “And the third one?” I ask. He points to a picture on the receipt that shows a man building a fire. “But you didn’t even build a fire!” I argue. So he excuses the 37 baht charge. So I pay and Trevor asks “wanna go to a hospital?” To which I respond “Nah, lets go see a movie!”

Explanation: After writing this out I can identify several different real life situations I have encountered that apparently my brain has morphed into one event. My dealings with the European in this story are similar to a restaurant we visited in Khao Lak over Christmas, The Happy Lagoon. A European man works there for some reason and he is never any help! My dealings with the Thai man and the confusion with the receipts appear to come from a situation that occurred when I put my car in the shop recently. A $15 oil change visit turned into $240 in repairs and then I found out later he never got around to actually changing the oil! And finally, my swim with the snakes probably comes from many treks into the jungle with Trevor and Kory to find abandoned resorts, island lookout points, vines for climbing rocks, etc.. The brain is a funny thing.

Taco Bell Comes To Thailand?

I’m in Bang Sak and Marcus is getting ready to put on a movie. “Hold on guys, I’m going to run and get something to snack on” I announce. Marcus offers me a motorbike but I insist on taking my skateboard. So I head off down the highway on my skate board. I keep going past Ban Niang and even Khao Lak because I can’t find anything that I want to eat. Eventually I am going up over the hill and I come down near the elephant camp on the backside of the mountain. As I come down I see a huge, American Style shopping center that has gone up over night. They have a “Logans”, “McDonalds”, “Old Navy”, everything you can think of. So I driving around in there a bit and Ada pulls up next to me with Ben in the grey car. She stops to chat for a few moments and before you know it Ben is gone. “Ben!! Where did you go?” Ben pokes his head out of the second story window and waves. “You have 5 seconds to get down here!” Ada warns before beginning her count. “One, Two, Two and a half, Three…” Ben runs up out of breath. “What were you doing? That’s not your house!” She tells him. So they say goodbye and head back to Bang Sak. So I start skating through this shopping center when all of the sudden I loose my skateboard! It goes flying down the street towards this pregnant lady as her husband is helping her across the street. She can barely walk and as I look at the moo moo she is wearing I can’t determine whether she actually has any legs. She stands at about three feet tall and the rest of her proportions seem correct, just no legs. At about this time the skateboard nails her in the back. Her husband is understandably furious. As I run up to retrieve the board he starts yelling at me. I start apologizing as best I can in Thai. At that point he stops me and says “I’m Singaporean!” So he continues chewing me out telling me that I should use the wheel lock when I’m not using the skateboard to keep it from flying off, etc.. Just then I see something magical and amazing over his left shoulder! A Taco Bell Sign! What?!? Taco Bell has come to Thailand!! Woo Hoo! So I grab my board and rush over there. As I dash inside I see a dining room empty except for three thais sharing a corner booth. I run to the counter to buy them out. Man, I can just imagine the faces of the folks back in Bang Sak when I walk in with Taco Bell! So I start to order and he tells me that they are closed already. What? “When do you close?” I ask. “9:00pm” he replies. I look at my watch and it’s only 9:04pm! Oh come on! “What time do you open” I ask. He responds by saying “Sip mong yen.” Which means 10th hour of the evening. What? It only goes up to 6. “Array na Khrup Sip Mong Yen Chai Mai?” I verify. “Chay” he confirms. Crud. That does not make any sense. How am I ever going to get any Tacos if I don’t know what time they open. I don’t want to reveal that I don’t understand his Thai so I just say thank you and walk out. When I get back outside the man and his pregnant wife are there. He says that he wants me to have his police scanner and CB radio. Uh, ok. So I say thank you and I take it. About that time Dean pulls up in the white car and unloads a lazy boy recliner. “Can you take this back to Bang Sak for me?“ So I take the chair and begin dragging it along. A little further down the highway Marcus, Bum and some other American’s pull up on various motorbikes. “There you are!” Marcus says “What happened to you? I thought you were going to grab some food. Why do you have a police scanner, CB radio and a recliner?” “It’s a long story” I reply “but I found a Taco Bell!” “WHAT?!?” everyone yells at once. So I begin to tell them about the location and about how they were closed. “There were people eating in the dinning room? You could see and smell the food but they were closed? Brutal!” Marcus exclaims “I know!” I respond. So we start to head back to Khao lak. One of the Americans, Ronnie from The Shield, helps me with the chair. “Where did you get the police scanner and the radio?” he asks. So I explain. Then I get an idea to put the chair on the skateboard. “Ronnie tilt the chair back so I can get the skateboard under it” I explain. But he does not get it and he just tilts it the wrong way. “No tilt it back!” wrong again. This goes on for awhile before he finally understands. Eventually we get the chair on the skateboard and we all head back home, without our Taco Bell.

A Dream Within a Dream...Within A Dream

I’m supposed to be running sound at church but I overslept! So I get up and begin to get ready. I’m trying to take a shower but the faucet breaks! So I get some tools and fix the faucet but then I can’t find any shampoo! So I look all over and finally find some. Then I am finally ready so I go outside and my car is gone! Where did I leave it? About that time I wake up and realize that it is all a dream! So I go to take a shower but the faucet breaks! So I get some tools and fix the faucet.. You get the idea. This goes around about 4 times and then I wake up for real and realize that it is time to get ready for church, but I’m not late.

The Backwards Flying Taxi Plane

As we’re standing in the parking lot of Cross Roads Mall a 20 seat executive jet comes into the picture flying backwards. As we stare at this strange site, to our amazement, it lands in the parking lot! Several people shuffle off and some people get on. There are a group of Thai tourists standing there apparently trying to figure out if this is their plane. So I step in to translate. “Pai nai?” I ask. “Pai Wurzbach khrup.” They respond. So I ask the pilot. “Excuse me, are you going to Wurzbach and I-10?” To which he replies, “yes! I don’t have time for this, either get on or move out of the doorway!” Geez. Why is he so agitated? “Gi Chuamong?” The Thais ask me. So I ask the driver “how long will the trip take?” “15 mins!” he yells. Hmm, that’s only 2 exits up the highway, why would it take so long? Just then he reaches up, turns off the engine and switches off his FAA beacon. “You see that?” he asks “I just shut off my beacon. According to FAA regulations that must be running at all times while I am in operation. At this point this plane is nothing more than a big piece of worthless metal. I can’t go anywhere because you guys won’t move out of the doorway and into your seats.” He yells. Man, why is he being so dramatic. We’ve been standing here for like 30 seconds. I’m just trying to get these folks on the correct plane. So we take our seat and after another dramatic pause he restarts the engine and the beacon. At that he begins to drive out of the parking lot and down the highway, backwards, on his wheels.

The Howard Stern Worship Hour?

I was playing softball with some folks from the American community here and guess who should showed up? Howard Stern! He was actually a pretty nice guy and he says that all the things he does on the air are just an act. Well after chatting awhile I admit that I have never seen/listened to his show. So he invites me to come on the air as his guest. So I do. The next day I arrive at his studio and they get me plugged in with a microphone (SM57 oddly enough) a stool and some headphones. Pretty soon the countdown is going and the show is on the air. Howard does his introduction and then starts singing a praise song with his guitar while one of his co-hosts plays the djembe drum. “Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus…” I’m trying to figure out if he is mocking Christianity or what. But no, he appears sincere. So I join in with the rest of his crew and we all sing this song. After the song finishes I ask “Do you always begin your broadcast with a praise song?” “Oh yes!” he replies.